The works of man in the American West, unicorn babysitters, & 'ZARD FIGHT

At some point in the 1960's, American naturalist, essayist, and national treasure Edward Abbey looked out over the new, dam-formed Lake Powell near the Utah/Arizona border. Where his fellow citizens saw virginal liquid prairie upon which they might sow the seeds of their leisure, Abbey saw the roof of a mausoleum: drowned, irreplaceable canyonlands hidden in their repose under dozens of millions of acre-feet of water that weren't there before.

Mostly, he could not get over these tart lil Park Services signs on the shore:

PLAY SAFE
SKI ONLY IN CLOCKWISE DIRECTION
LET'S ALL HAVE FUN TOGETHER!

Yep there is black comedy in speedboats, RV's, and car campers -- siege instruments of the vacation-industrial complex -- marshaling in the craw of one of the southwest's most indecipherable (Abbey's word) and sphincter-loosening (my word) expanses. And this was NOT lost on him; it appears to be the only thing he left with.

To which I say: ok, Abbey has the moral right of way here but have you ever water skied? Them shits can be FUN. Sometimes you cross a desert and you wanna jump in a lake.

In this spirit, below is a dumb, fun exercise that I'll drop into play if I feel like my d&d campaign has become the grimmest of tits. Maybe the PC's just escaped The Sleeping Place of the Feathered Swine (which means someone has just died or at the very least suffered battlefield amputation). Maybe one of them just got tugbodied. Maybe I'm sensing grief fatigue but I don't wanna give the PC's a total fluffer like oh my god guys these unicorns wanna go on a date night but they can't find a babysitter for their adorable but rascally unikids. 

[Side note: this is one thing that grinds my gears about 5e. The chunked-up character creation process basically begs players to fall in love with the achieved, huffy little striver they've just dreamed into existence. It feels rude to kill them, like how could you. Well.]

'ZARD FIGHT (click for access to game) is intended to be a lurid, wild, point-scoring spell duel between the PC's and their opponent(s). Since the outcome is wholly dependent on luck, I either a.) make the duel free of stakes and communicate this to the PC's, or b.) allow the parties bet gold on it; in any case I play up the abject lunacy of the whole sorcerous duel. I have found that 'ZF encourages laughs and creativity from both extroverted and reserved players, and functions well as a brief (~20 minute) interlude to reinvigorate play. As in all things, YMMV.

• The duel is organized like baseball innings: the opponent takes a turn, then PC1. Then the opponent, then PC2. And so on. 
• To afford the players a dramatic comeback opportunity and demonstrate the spirit of the game, I always have the opponent (read: DM) go first.
• Players (let's say, uh, Chris) pick any Spell Part 1 based on what appeals to them. Each Spell Part 1 has a random base number attached to it that they can't see, like say 5 or 13. Then Chris picks any Spell Part 2 to complete an awesome-sounding spell; this has a similarly hidden random arithmetic operation attached to it. Like +6, or -2, or /3. Snippet is probably better'n words here (hidden values shown):

• Then the DM does the math, notes the score (I keep the running score visible to all, for HIGH DRAMA):

• ...and lets the players know "Poor/decent/great score, Chris" by glancing at this:

• Then? Well Chris pretty much gets to describe a buck-gonzo turn of Magic: The Gathering using the spell they just chose as a guide, making it as insane, horrific, or funny as they want. Don't limit their rosebud imaginations. Do they summon an army of baleful Duanes to besiege their opponent? Spill their enemy's vitals in the dust with an enfeebling enema? Summon their opponent's grandmother, only to bind her as thrall to the demon Fgulnarp, Vizier of Pus and Regret? You tell me, Chris.
• The DM, having access to these hidden values, just rolls 2d20 for random results and narrates accordingly. I just rolled Cloud of Agriculture and Groping Cloaca, for example. The mind races at the arcane possibilities. 
• Spell parts and their values are removed once used. 
• Then you repeat the rounds for as many PC's as are partaking. Team with the most points after the last PC goes, wins.

***

To rationalize the participation of nonmagical characters, when 2 sides consent to a duel I warp 'em to a dramatic-ass battlefield on a different plane with black clouds racing under a tie-dye sky. Towers beholden to unknowable geometries blink in the distance. The words of power (spell list) hang over them like arcane commandments written in energy. Here, they are all casters. Their opponent, the hierophant Anki Ketki Pomabb, keatons into 4 identical clones, 1 for each PC. Let's fight, 'zards. Wait, what's that, Tormented Ghost of Edward Abbey?

PLAY SAFE
SKI ONLY IN CLOCKWISE DIRECTION
LET'S ALL HAVE FUN TOGETHER!

Well yeah, sometimes.